Alcohol and drug abuse have a devastating effect on the family. An addicted person can appear to function adequately, but the negative effects of the addicted person’s use shows up first with the family Over time, we have learned the addicted behavior of a family member has a predictable effect on the family.

The family behavior of the addicted person

The addicted family member can engage in a number of behaviors that stress the family. These can include the following:

• Engages in disruptive behavior
• Has mood swings
• Selfish
• Self-Righteous
• Denies existence of a problem
• Blames others
• Rigid
• Perfectionistic
• Inconsistent
• Demanding
• Manipulative
• Controlling
• Emotionally detached

The Family Cycle of Addiction and Recovery

Deny the problem – The spouse feels a need to create the illusion of the “perfect marriage.” The spouse may feel he or she is over-reacting to the addicted person’s behavior. The addicted person will be the first one to say “you’re over-reacting.”

Attempt to eliminate the problem – The family begins to withdrawal from social contacts and relatives. The spouse may throw “it” and paraphernalia away when he or she finds it. The family’s life becomes organized around the addict’s erratic behavior.

Disorganization – The spouse or partner gives up trying to control the addict’s behavior. He or she begins to question their own sanity. In fact, the addicted person will be quick to say “you’re the one that’s crazy.” The spouse begins to feel anxious and depressed over their powerlessness to make things better at home. The children start to become disturbed. They begin to do poorly in school, become sick, or begin getting into trouble. Sometimes the children compensate for the family’s dysfunction by becoming the “hero.” That is, they excel in sports and school to cover up the family’s internal problems.

Attempts to reorganize in spite of the problem – As the addict does less and less around the home the spouse assumes control over the family and begins to “over function”. Oddly, the more he or she does, the less the addict does. This leaves the spouse feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and resentful. The children begin to assume other roles to help keep the family going. They may become super-achievers, little psychotherapists, comedians, or little responsible adults. Some children act out. This draws attention away from the major problem. Oddly, the acting out child becomes a cause celebre that binds the parents together. Some children just fade into the woodwork. Over time, the addicted family member has no role in the family. They can become like a boarder just living in the home who does not participate in daily family life.

Efforts to escape the problem – The spouse becomes fed up and strives to become self-sufficient enough to separate from the addicted family member. The wife of the addict might take a job. The spouse detaches emotionally from the addict. He or she stops trying to change or monitor the addict. Oddly, this response may pressure the addict into recovery. With both parents working the children lack supervision. They “raise themselves.” Some children rise to the occasion and become little mommies, taking over household chores and caring for the younger siblings. Others use the opportunity to act out and get into trouble. If the addicted person does not enter into recovery at this point it can lead to the eventual break-up of the family.

Reorganization of part of the family – Following the separation, the spouse and the children struggle to redefine themselves as a new family unit. While tension due to arguments decreases, tension stemming from economic security concerns increases. In order to survive, the single-parent household needs a great deal of external support from friends and extended family. Grandparents and other family play greater roles in the family’s daily life. Other times, it falls upon the oldest child to take on the burden of performing housekeeping and childcare of the younger children. That child becomes the “responsible one.” The children may resent the addicted parent and this resentment can endure into their adulthood. They may feel abandoned by the addicted parent and in turn angrily reject that parent. Meanwhile the addicted family member might drop out of the picture or become angry and demand a relationship with the children. The custodial parent feels on eggshells whenever the children visit with the addicted parent and rightfully so. The children are at greater risk for abuse or neglect during visits if the addicted parent continues to use. The custodial parent understandably seeks to restrict the children’s contact with the addicted parent. The estranged addicted parent may become angry and go to court for custody or visitation rights rather than reform. If that occurs, the family chaos and discord can continue for years. This can have far reaching emotional consequences for the children.

Recovery and reorganization of the whole family – On the other hand the addicted family member decides to sober up and begins a recovery program. At first the spouse and family feel justifiably skeptical. As the addict improves the family begins a process of reconciliation. An initial honeymoon period must be followed by frank discussion and hard work. The addicted person needs to make amends and the rest of the family need to offer forgiveness. The family needs to learn how to solve problems cooperatively. Family roles, rules, and responsibilities need to be redefined. Children may initially react negatively to the newly sober addicted parent’s awkward attempts at parenting. A trap the recovering parent can fall into is to make “amends” to the children by indulging them. The children themselves may exploit the recovering parent’s guilt. The recovering parent needs to separate guilt from good parenting. Both parents need to learn how to speak with a unified voice. Overall though, the addicted family member’s efforts to sober up has a positive outcome on the family. Young children often grow up barely remembering the bad times and mostly remember their recovered family member with positive and warm sentiments.

Common Dynamics of the Addicted Family

Autocratic – The dysfunctional addicted parent is often domineering, authoritarian, perfectionistic, and hypocritical.

Inconsistent – Relationships are frequently chaotic and erratic, unkept promises lead to the “don’t trust” rule.

Emotional deprivation – There is a lack of reliable warmth and nurturance. Family relationships between the addicted family member and the rest of the family become emotionally cold and distant. This emotional coldness might even expand to other family relationships. The children may feel rejected by the addicted parent because of his or her emotional unavailability.

Abuse – Verbal, physical, and sexual abuse are often part of the family dynamic. There may be a disrespect or indifference to each other’s needs. The addicted parent may resort to harsh discipline and criticism when dealing with the children.

Arbitrariness – Rules set by the addicted parent lack justice or fairness. Certain siblings are favored while others are scapegoated.

Inappropriate family roles – To keep the family going the children need to assume adult roles. This is called the parentification of the children. Older children take over parenting responsibilities for the younger children. The children begin to take on nurturing and emotionally supporting roles with the addicted parent. On the other hand, the children may not be given appropriate responsibilities and freedoms as they grow older. Family roles lack flexibility.

A pervasive negative emotional climate – The home is filled with a chronic sense of tension, hostility, fear, insecurity, and terror. Family members “walk on eggshells” around the dysfunctional person. They become hypervigilant to cues that something is ready to happen.

Chronic conflict, chaos, or crisis – It seems something bad is happening. The children are forced to take sides during the frequent disputes between their parents. Children suffer with neglect and a lack of supervision because the parents always have to attend to the latest crisis.

Isolation – The family lacks contact with others outside the immediate family. Things that go on at home are kept secret from others, including extended family (the “Don’t Talk” rule). Children do not want their friends to visit in order to avoid embarrassment. The parents may either become be too restrictive or permissive regarding the children’s activities outside the home.

Lack of effective communication and problem solving – The family learns that the best way to deal with problems is not to talk about them; otherwise an uproar results. Children learn to stuff feelings and not talk about what is happening.

The “Golden Rules” of Addicted Families

In order to survive emotionally, and sometimes physically, the families of addicted people develop ways of coping with the chaos.

DON’T TALK: Do not talk about the real issues. The addict’s behavior becomes the “elephant in the living room”. People smell it, hear it, bump into it, walk around it, but no one ever says “there’s an elephant in the living room”. Identify the elephant in the living room invites discord and abuse. Family members learn it is better to have some semblance of peace at times than to risk a raging elephant.

DON’T TRUST: Family members must always be on their guard with others, especially the addicted person. One cannot rely on promises. One must watch what one says or else it will be used against them. Don’t trust the good times because bad events could occur at any moment. By not trusting family members avoid disappointment and feelings of betrayal.

DON’T FEEL: The best way to survive a war zone is to numb oneself to the pain and hardship. Eventually, danger arouses little concern. You learn to remain calm when the drunk at home points a loaded gun to your head.

Unsupportive Behaviors (Enabling) that Promote Addiction

Enabling refers to the process by which a family member inadvertently (and sometimes intentionally) facilitates the addicted person’s substance use or addictive behavior. Their behavior has good intentions that unfortunately backfire and can make the problem worse.

Monitoring and Controlling – When partners or family members check up and limit the addict’s use they usually wind up encouraging the addict to use more out of spite. Such behavior includes counting their drinks, pouring out their liquor, limiting their money, or telling them they have had enough to drink.

Persecution – When a partner becomes angry over an addict’s use it is tempting to try and change him through nagging, shunning, and criticizing. Unfortunately, this only creates a climate where the addict wants to use more out of spite or because he or she feels ashamed.

Protecting – Often partners try to preserve the image of the happy couple or family by helping to cover up the addict’s problem. This is done is a variety of ways including: denying the problem exists, concealing the problem, rationalizing the addict’s use, correcting any mess the addict makes because of his use, taking over the addict’s responsibilities, and rescuing the addict when he or she gets in trouble. The problem with protecting is that the addict does not experience the painful, negative consequences of his or her behavior. Experiencing the full weight of negative consequences motivates the addicted person to change.

Supplementing – Family members can be drawn into the role of procuring the addictive substance for the addict. This would include buying beer for an alcoholic while one is at the grocery store or buying sweets for a food addict.

Retaliating – Whenever the addict becomes abusive or an embarrassment a family member might be tempted to get even in some way. This might include physically attacking the addict or having an extramarital affair. Unfortunately, this encourages the addict to use more. Either the addict feels hurt and views it as atonement for his own sin, or the addict becomes angry and righteous. Both outcomes allow the addict to justify going out and using.

Testing and Sabotaging – Sometimes family members will try to see if an addict is truly committed to being sober by obtaining their addictive substance and leaving it around the home. Family members might give the addicted person permission to use (this one time) or condone the addict to enter high risk situations where he or she might use. This is akin to letting the fox go into the hen house to see if he can keep away from the chickens. When this occurs the partner may want the addict to slip for some reason. Sometimes family members discover they “like the person better when he or she is using.” A family member may have an unconscious personal agenda that requires the addict continue using.

Craziness – Families can be dysfunctional in their own right, even without the addict’s problems. Partners and other family members can themselves be addicted, mentally ill, physically disabled, or anti-social. The family could also be in a constant state of chaos and uproar. This creates stress in the addict’s life that he or she copes with by using. Other family member’s craziness also allows the addict to avoid calling attention to his own addictive habits.
Sometimes it is hard to determine when the behavior of family members are supportive and when they are enabling. Sometimes a family member’s response can be supportive one day, but the same behavior is enabling the next.

Roles Enablers Play

Roles are characteristic ways we respond to certain people in order to maintain the relationship. While there is nothing inherently wrong with the roles listed below, they become a problem when a person gets stuck with them. They also become a problem because they undermine the relationship in the long run and often cause difficult people to act even worse than they normally do.

Roles serve a function. The roles listed are often used to gain short-term benefits for the person playing the role and for the relationship. At the surface, these roles are attempts to change the other person or to avoid trouble. At a deeper level, they can be the enabler’s attempts to avoid abandonment, keep the difficult person in a dependent state, or assert superiority over the difficult person.

Persecutor – The enabler, out of anger, scolds and punishes the difficult person either directly or indirectly.

Rescuer – The enabler consistently protects the difficult person from the consequences of their harmful behavior in order to save the person from a terrible fate.

Patsy – The enabler, in this instance, consistently and naively accepts the difficult person’s vain promises to change for the better.

Adjustor – Because the difficult person avoids responsibility, this enabler consistently picks up the slack.

Victim – This enabler consistently allows the difficult person to physically, verbally, and sexually abuse them without taking action to stop it.

Connection – This enabler becomes the source of supply, or conduit for the difficult person’s acting out. The spouse of partner might use with the addict. The children might relish the opportunity of using with the addicted family member. Perversely, using with the addicted parent may be the only way the children can feel connected and bonded with that parent.

Going crazy – The enabler could become a difficult person themselves. This might be to gain acceptance from, retaliate against, or attempt to change the addicted family member. Unfortunately, this provides the addicted person a rationalization to use or engage in his or her addicted behavior.

Supportive Partner Behaviors that Promote Sobriety

The Three C’s – To begin the process of helping the addicted person and to take care of one’s own emotional needs, family members need to adopt the proper frame of mind. The “3C’s” summarize this proper frame of mind. The 3C’s are: You didn’t Cause the problem. You can’t Control the problem, and you can’t Cure the problem. The addicted person will be quick to place blame on others for his or her problems. This leads family members to feel guilty and give the addicted person’s behavior a pass. Family members need to accept they cannot control the addicted person’s behavior. Addicted people will find a way to use despite a family member’s efforts to control or monitor. Family members can only avoid enabling. Finally, family members cannot cure the addict. First of all, the disease is chronic and a condition the addicted person will always have to live with and manage. Second, the addicted person has to take primary responsibility for his or her health and recovery. The best family members can do is to provide fertile ground from which recovery will blossom.

Cooperation and Participation – Partners can help addicts seek sobriety by being a part of the recovery process. That is, they are willing to work with the addict and participate in those activities that help addicts stay clean. This might include going to recovery meetings, abstaining from using themselves, periodically checking on the addict’s progress, and just being a good companion when the addict wants to do things. This could also mean being willing to work with the addict to find solutions to problems that arise in the addict’s life and in the relationship.

Reinforces Abstinence and Restraint – Partners can affirm and strengthen an addict’s efforts by praising him or her for efforts made in working towards abstinence. Often the partner feels skeptical and distrustful of the addicted person’s intentions. These are reasonable and justifiable. However, partners need to keep these feelings to themselves and give the addicted person the benefit of the doubt.

Emotional Support – Addicts are most vulnerable to slips when they are upset or filled with self-doubt. Partners can reduce the risk of slips at such times by being compassionate listeners and offering encouragement.

Assertiveness – Partners need to be able to make requests, express their feelings, and set limits. The most important request they need to make a clear and unambiguous request the addict stop using. The most important feeling they need to express is their concern and fear for the addict’s welfare. The most important limit they need to set is to refuse to support the addict’s habit.

Loving Confrontation – Partners must be able to non-judgmentally point out to addicts the discrepancies between what they say and what they do. Along with this the partner shares his or her feelings toward what the addict has done. Such confrontations need to be done at the appropriate time (that is, when the addict is sober, not when intoxicated), and in a caring manner.

Persistence – Partners need to avoid getting sidetracked by an addict’s promises to change without help or by their short-term improvements. One of the most powerful ploys an addict can play is to “lie low” for a while and not use. At no point does he or she make a commitment to sobriety. He or she then gradually goes back to using. When it becomes obvious the addicted person has resumed using, the partner needs to lovingly confront the problem as soon as possible.

Consistency and Reliability – Addicts need to perceive their partners as immovable in their request for the addict to become sober. In addition, addicts must trust their partners will follow through with their promises and threats. Saying “ok” to using once makes the partner a patsy whom the addict will exploit further. If an addict does not believe their partner will follow through with threats, then those threats exert no influence over the addict.

Avoid emotional entanglements – Partners must be able to avoid participating in the addict’s acting out when he or she is using. This most often occurs when the addict picks an argument while intoxicated. At such times partners must withdraw and avoid the temptation to retaliate.

Getting outside support – Family members, especially spouses and partners, need to seek outside help on their own. This includes seeking counseling, attending a self-help group like Al-Anon, or becoming involved in a faith community. One should have a trusted friend or family member to whom one can confide. Family members should educate themselves about the problem and teach themselves how to respond to it. Having the support and counsel of others will help family members to determine what is supportive and what is enabling. This support will help them to also stand their ground when the addicted family members tries to blame them for the problem and tell them they are the one who is crazy.

Sources:
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Wegscheider, S. (1981). Another Chance: Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family. Palo Alto, California: Science and Behavior Books.